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Queries, And All The Authors Who Don’t Know How To Write Them

May 29, 2010

After reading yet another blog post from a literary agent complaining about how authors simply don’t invest enough time into writing a query–despite the availability of advice on how to write them–I’ve decided that all the queries filling your inboxes, dear literary agents, are obviously from people who do not read your blog.

Or maybe just from people who can’t read.

Or people who give up way too easily.

Or people who like clicking send.

Or people who read some of your blog post (a sentence or two), enough to know that they should send a query, and that they should include things like the book title or word count, but who never read further.

Or people who get really confused by the complex notion of ‘personalized query letters.’

Or people who penned their first book for NanoWrimo.

Or people who want to annoy literary agents.

Or people destined to try self-publishing.

Or people who are just really tired, okay, tired of there being all these BS hoops to jump through just to publish a brilliant book and maybe those agents just don’t UNDERSTAND, you know, because the publishing business is going down the tubes and how can they publish Dan Brown and not me, I mean, c’mon, obviously my literature is just so new and nuanced and CONTROVERSIAL that no one understands me and so says crappy things about my queries for no apparent reason and did Jane Austen have to write a query, huh? And maybe I’m the next Hemmingway, the next Nabokov, the next Bronte, maybe I’m just so new age that I define a my own genre and evidently you can’t appreciate it. In conclusion, the publishing world is a square, and I am only trying to be original, so bug off.

Or people who don’t know how to use the internet.

Or people who don’t know how to write, but are very very very confident that they have a story inside of them just like anyone else.

But don’t worry, dear literary agents, I read your blog. And I’m hoping I’m going to have something to wow your socks off pretty soon.


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